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Breaking: Taylor Swift in Critical Condition After Obama Drone Strike

Reporting from UCLA Medical Center: Twenty-three year old singer-songwriter Taylor Swift is in critical condition after the Obama administration orders a drone strike against the country-pop sensation this afternoon. Witnesses report Swift was downtown, Los Angeles at the corner of N. Broadway and 1st Street screaming the ancient Greek phrase “Molon Labe” at bystanders just before the drone strike took place. Doctors report Swift has been moaning, “Molon labe”, but is otherwise unresponsive. President Obama released this statement after the strike:

“The strike on Swift was necessary and imperative for national security. Minimal civilian casualties were noted due to the advanced technology of our drone program. The individuals who took Swift to the hospital are currently being tracked down by the Department of Homeland Security and the FBI for providing aide to a suspected terrorist. Currently, DHS and FBI are in route to UCLA Medical Center to retrieve Swift and all who provided care to Swift. Providing aide, or care to a suspected terrorist is against the law and these individuals will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

According to the Administration Swift was placed on the President’s kill list because she met the criteria for being a target as a United States Citizen.  When contacted, John Brennan, architect of the kill list criteria and Obama appointee to head of CIA, refused to comment. Brennan was recently at the forefront of rising GOP star Rand Paul’s 13 hour filibuster. Paul’s concerns, which prompted the filibuster was that the Obama Administration may attempt to use a drone strike on American citizens on US soil without their constitutional right to due process. For 13 hours the administration refused to provide an answer. Paul’s filibuster went viral, which finally prompted the administration to provide a one paragraph response to Paul saying that his concerns were not warranted and that the President had no such power. Today proved Paul’s concerns to be warranted. The Combating Terrorism swiftCenter is an academic institution at the United States Military Academy (USMA) in West Point, New York. They recently released a study of  “The Dangers of the Far Right”. Swift’s tax returns showed multiple donations to pro-life non-for-profits. According to the report, this support of pro-life non-for-profits is a danger to the citizens of America. Neighbors reported swift buying more than one week’s worth dehydrated food at a local surplus store. According to the FBI this is only behavior that a suspected terrorist would be involved in. Furthermore, Swift recently tweeted, “I can’t believe I have to pay so much in #taxes this yr! Damn #IRS! -Love Taylor.” According to a recent warning from the FBI this type of extremism puts IRS employees at particular risk, and is a matter of national security. The next day another tweet promoted investigation from the Department of Homeland Security. Swift tweeted, “I thought #Obama said #HealthInsurance #premiums would go down? #OMG Mine is ^$400 from last yr! #NoBama! -Love Taylor” According to a report recently released by the DHS, antagonistic language towards the President’s policies is defined as extremist behavior. Because of Swift’s extremist, terrorist like behavior the administration believes the attack to be warranted as a matter of public safety and security. Eric Holder, US Attorney General, provided the following statement, “I believe that our children are safer this evening and we can all go home to our families tonight and sleep soundly knowing that this extremist is no longer roaming the streets.” Holder was noted as saying that there could be certain circumstances, which would warrant a drone strike on American citizens on US soil before the Paul filibuster. This is of course a healthy dose of satire, but what if it wasn’t? You’ll notice all of the links are credible.

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Comments

  1. APRIL FOOL!!

  2. This is golden.

  3. I hate April fools jokes.

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